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- AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - Friday, June 16, 2006

the brake down of the mind is an irreverasble process i cant stand the pressure of life anymore and the more i live the more i am annoyed by thosearound around me i pull away from my friends and everything i once loved now seems so stupid life as once again become empty and meaningless the words on the screen have no value if u feel nothing ive been so fucking numb to the world id give anything just to feel sometime sometimes i wonder if the pain of rejection and lonlyness would sting more than the numbness i cant stand the fact that the value of my words means nothing in the great sceam of things im ignored listen to but not heard... looked through and never at and my own boy friend who i thought would be the one person by myside no matter what had diffted so far away from me that he would find any excuse not to talk to me.. it actually begining to make me doubt that the fact that something as pure as love can exist in world of hate.. this kind thinking is odd to most people but to me its as normal as the green grass and the blue sky... why does the wind blow so suddenly from one direction to another... as soon as i finally start liking life the cycle of shit starts all over again and im left alone and numb to all emotion........... < /3 alex

- FUCK THIS... certainly granteed to offand a family member - Thursday, June 08, 2006

With all the shit that has happend with my mom it has not only made me realise hor fragile life is but it brought to the surface that fact that my whole family finds me incopetent (ok we all know i cant fucking spell) no body in my family gives me any credit for being able to handle things on my own I FUCKING HATE that fuck this i cant stand being looked down on im not mcopetent i can get things done i dont need there fucking help this is SUCH FUCKING BULL SHIT.. and yes im ranting very immaturely ranting right now but that what the this GOD DAMN blog is for ..... i hate the world and most of the people in it i feel so fucking useless no one thinks i can do anything for myself because they think im just some stupid kid.. well im not so there in for a rude awakening do to expensive medical bill it will be hard for my parents to afford fixing up my house in brenham and both mine and renee's tution do i was gonna stay at home and go to community college but that would mean money and drinveing to and from but i could just revert back to my original plan and join the navy right now and not spend the money and will get an education and make money at the same time..... i just wonna prove myself but no one will give me the chance.. ~~alex

- ranting -

I hate my dad sometimes ... but then again everyone hates there parents at some points i guess but you know he could be a little more understanding

- cant you see that you lie to yourself - Tuesday, June 06, 2006

life is never going to wait for you so much time has been wasted as we sat here waiting for the world to stop turning so we could jump on.. life is beautifully unpredicatable at your lowest lows the strangest things happen and your world is turned back to the birghtest shade of yellow.. its sad to think high school is over but at the same time it is a joyful and exciting time it is time to grow up but at the same time i gasp blindly baclward to the youth iam familiar with .. time is of the essance and now is all we have so take every moment and run with it time is the one thing we cant afford to waste because you can never relive a moment.. ~alex

- its been awhile - Thursday, June 01, 2006

wow its been a long time since i wrote in this thing.. i guess myspace took my attention away from this once home for my musing and daily thoughts.. actually my sister anna recently got a blog spot and my mind was refreshed and i thoguht i would get on and write just for old times sake or rather for the sake of wasting time.. so life update .. i just graduated high school and life is good although my woonderful boyfriend has moved to florida for the 5 months to attend scuba school tis very sad but i will learn to deal with it i guess. :( so high school i wasnt the prom queen, or the student coucil president or anythign like that but i still liek to think i made am impact on people.... being a yearbook editor and a ranking member in ROTC made me feel like i matterd even if in the scheme of thing i really didnt.. when i look back on high school i will remeber the lunch group and mr government teacher (that man is amazing one of the best teacher i have ever had)... i guess that all for that mumbo jumbo i wrte something to day its not much but i like it..

when push comes to shove?
to say i love you is easy its nothing more than words.. but will actions back up your words.. when punsh comes to shove will u mean what you say with all your heart at the times when it matters the most.. will stand up for what good and right or when push comes to shove will u crumble.. we all crumble every now and then but only the strongest among us rebuild when push comes to shove will you rise form the ashes kicking your self for mistakes.. when push comes to shove and all is tested will you make the grade.. running only gets you so far when you finally run out of brethe will you fall or will you fly when push comes to shove will youhave the streathe to carry on or give it one more try.. second chances are hard to come bye and happy ends too .. when push comes to shove ill be ready.. the question is will you .??

- back to life - Monday, January 23, 2006

wow i totally forgot this blog existed.. myspace , xanga and my other journals have consumed so much of my time im glad i foudn this again its little known and more secure

life has been moving so fast these days but in a good way i think .. o finally won the battle aginst depression and stoped cutting yay me.. ;) i fell in love and for once im happy..

so i never really did this so here are my new years resolutions

1.) start training for boot camp and take some leaps into prepareing for what military life might bring my way

2.) Finsh high school strong and get a good head start into my first year of college and my first year to be in my own house and away from my family

3.) rebuild some bridges i have burned in years past everyone deserves a second chance

4.) choose my friends more wisely and make new connections with friends from my past

5.) have a better attuitude at home with my siblings and my parents

6.) i will continue to stand up for what i belive in even if im standing alone remind myself that i am an outspoken girl who has alot to offer to whoever is willing to listen

7.) tell the truth people will gain nothing from lies stop embleshing stories to make myself sound cooler

8.) go to more concerts

9.) make more time for MYSELF relize that i cant be everywhere at oncve i need to learn to stop spreading myself to thin

10.)be a better girlfriend

- good bye to everyhting i thought i knew - Friday, July 08, 2005

the boy that has haunted my dreams and my thoughts for the past 5 years is finally out of my head.. all i had to do was let go ... it was soo hard to let go but now that i have eraseed his number from my phone deleted his screen name from my buddy list and taken his picture off my wall .. i can forget he eerexisted.. out of sght out of mine.. this was the nessasry action i had to take there was no point obseessiong over something i could never have... so if he is reqding this .. **hug** consider this my good bye.. i know its empty and stupid but this is how it has to be.. ~alex

- yeah it kindda liek that - Thursday, June 30, 2005

the best things in life are free.. the expereince of the first long kiss on the second.. date.. the way you feel when u just know without a doubt that you've found your soulmate the smile u have when u talk to old friends.. the hug u get after u reunite with that guy you'v missed so much .. these are some of the greast feelings in the world .. but unfourtunately the worst thigns in life are free.. the expereince u have when he never calls after that second date.. realising your soul mate now lives on the other side of the country so mayve it wasnt ment to be after all.. the smile fades along with the friends ship as the passage of time takes away any common ground that might have been shared.. the hug was great and it felt good but it rips your heart out when he hugs the other girl longer and harder and you watch them walk away holding hands that image is then burned in your mind for eterniy.. so tthe conclusion im getting at here is that money doesnt mean anythign ... no matter how much money u have u cant buy emotions nor can u rid yourself of them .. ~ALE X

- another turning point a fork stuck in the road - Monday, June 27, 2005

so my road has come to an end this life of alcohol and smoking and thorwing my future down the hell hole ends NOW!!!! im done with this im better than that... i spent a week as a counsolor at camp star trails.. (a camp for kids with cancer put on by MD Anderson) these kids are amazing they have inspired me to live a better life.. i now know how limited life can be i wonna live as long as i can milk the good stuff out of life.. im so amzed by the strenghth of these kids.. it brakes my heart to know that man of them wont make it to adult hood ..


hey guys well nobody ever knows what to put here so ill just go with the basics 19, female, texas, thats all u get .. want more info? tobad you gonna have to buy it from the government... etc etc.


music is my life and i know everyone says that but yeah it is i love everythign about it how songs you love anc change your mood how a song can express how you feel when words cant.. everyone should go watch almost famous right now then by the sound track .

quote to live by

Life aint always beautiful but its a beautiful ride .


FUCK THIS... certainly granteed to offand a family...
cant you see that you lie to yourself
its been awhile
back to life
good bye to everyhting i thought i knew
yeah it kindda liek that
another turning point a fork stuck in the road
its 2am on wednes june 15, 2005.. and once iagain ...


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